“I’m sorry to call you in at such short notice sir, but we’ve chopped your nuts off by mistake.

“Oh bollocks! What’s the latest excuse?”

“It was a joke e mail from the Vet’s down the road which co-incided with the arrival of the scalpels which had no step by step instructions with them”

“What should I do?”

“Well sir. Nurse has gone to the supermarket to get some plum tomatoes, so aesthetically we can make you look ok.”

“Oh, that’s clever. Can you put a zip on my knacker sack, then if I ever get stranded somewhere or stuck on an island in a British flood area, I can always have a snack. Great place to carry pound coins too, never get mugged.”

“Of course sir, but you will have to go on the five year waiting list.”

“Oh that’s ok, I’m retired”

“That’s good sir, you could take up marbles and go around friend’s houses and play marbles. You could carry your marbles in your knacker sack. Having seen your knacker sack sir, I reckon you could get four marbles in there with your plum tomatoes.”

“Good plan. Why did you say marbles twice?”

“Just checking you don’t have dementia sir.”

“Hello doctor, nice to see you again ...

why have you called me in?”